I had to get him to help with some jobs before he went due to my back and my right hand and my right knee.

I phiscally am fucked mentally I am also feeling fucked over by failing body, I could load a dishwasher fine polish hoover a few months ago but none I ujust can not do it the pain is cruel and sickly also it hurts my ego!

I have told him he is going to have to do 1 room a day for half hour to keep this place tidy or I will use him extra money I give him and get a cleaner in to keep it tidy as I am no longer pshically able.

I think I have spent a good hour tonight so far crying about what I can not do anymore,coupled with the pain I am in at times I just do not want to be here anymore.It feels really bad for me to say that as I know their are alot worse people out their then me who go through more but I guess I have just reached my limit today.

It does not help that I still try to do silly things around here the dishwasher he loaded and put on but I just can not leave them sitting their so I have to take the things out,more pain from bending.Then the lounge or front room has to be polished I started it but now I know only half done I need to finish that also.

I am my own worst emeny for still trying to do shit when I know it will hurt me but do people not say what gives you pain only makes you stronger well here comes the 1110 weight lifter lol.

That is all for now need to get a few bits done